Just penetrate me

I enjoy those moments in life when there is a medium that inspires me. I've found that the problem with inspiration however, is that it is often short lived. How many times have you watched a film or listened to a speaker and you could feel your heart pounding, ideas growing?

Lights On.

Maybe you envisioned this big dynamic change you were about to make the next day. Then, you go to sleep that night - wake up - the high is gone. The only big change you make for the day is eating pancakes instead of waffles for breakfast.

Lights Off.

This has happened to me a lot of times. Too many than I would actually like to admit.

I have been touched. But that intense sensation was only momentary and my skin remained bare. I like to be touched. Sometimes that's all you need. However, when it comes to things that are really important to me: my sexuality, my heritage, my environment, etc. i want more. I now yearn for something deeper. A penetration. The grip that doesn't release. But stays. A piercing that won't be pulled out. An engraving that won't be washed away. Every since I have started being more interested in Womanist/Feminist discourse I have been penetrated. Thankfully I have had many women writers whose words flew off the page and into this radiator i have built inside of me. I have been penetrated by the words of



Audre Lorde who wrote, “I remember how being young and black and gay and lonely felt. A lot of it was fine, feeling I had the truth and the light and the key, but a lot of it was purely hell.”



Bell Hooks who wrote " “Usually, when people talk about the "strength" of black women . . . . they ignore the reality that to be strong in the face of oppression is not the same as overcoming oppression, that endurance is not to be confused with transformation.”

The words of Mae Henderson who wrote " It is not that Black women have had nothing to say.... but no say."

Or Margaret Cho who wrote "I am so beautiful, sometimes people weep when they see me. And it has nothing to do with what I look like really, it is just that I gave myself the power to say that I am beautiful, and if I could do that, maybe there is hope for them too. And the great divide between the beautiful and the ugly will cease to be. Because we are all what we choose."

I feel that it is important to see myself reflected in discourse. I expect to hear my story told. My issues explored. My problems solved, or at least attempted to be worked out. And with this penetration I have the true inspiration to make a change in my life and in the lives of others.


LIGHTS ON.

( ... never to be faded again )

Domination and Gender Roles in Same-Sex/Same-Gender Relations: 4th Message

I don’t know what happens in the White Lesbian Community or Inter-Racial Lesbian Community, therefore, I can only offer observations based on what’s has happened, continues to happen and will happen without en masse and “grass roots” discussions in the African American Lesbian community.

First let me say that the scale (if you will) by which I judge or gage a women’s placement on my feminine to masculine gender spectrum is pretty disequlibriated. Therefore, I’m prone to label any woman who is not flamingly masculine as feminine. The older I grow, the more I broaden my perspectives on what femininity is and whom it can apply to. Let me also add that while I would love to be apart of an African American lesbian and gay community that resists the confinements of labels, I do understand that we are too uneducated to live in state of euphoria right now. As a matter of fact, most of the people that I know in the African American community, both gay or straight, can not define or hold a conversation properly identifying and defining the differences between ‘gender’ and ‘sex,’ let alone ‘gender roles,’ ‘gender norms,’ or anything of the like.

With that said, it is the ACT which serves as my pivotal word here. It the word that most black lesbians hinge their identities upon because too many of us don’t congregate, associate, or were not socialized in circles that promote sound self-esteem, knowledge of self, and the spirit to challenge our identifies and to form new ones.

Because WE have not formed and forged self definitions of who we are as same sex loving, feeling, thinking, experiencing, and intimate African women, we hold on so dearly and truly to heterosexist ideals and hetero-normal values; for this is what we have learned to be dominate and true in a relationship. Therefore, this hetero-sexist-normal ACT spills into our sex-same relationships and our identities as lesbian women. And because we know of no alternatives we cling to gender roles and norms labeled ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’; and when we feel that we don’t embody either of those in their entirety, we label ourselves as ‘andro’. Therefore we give ourselves three options by which we try to build our identities, make sense our ourselves, and display to the world.

The most unfortunate part of our label system is the way in which we ACT out these labels. Because masculinity is currently owned (yes owned) by men, African women who identify as masculine (e.g. Aggressive or Stud) behave like men inside and outside their relationships. This ACT manifests itself into details of the relationship such as not being touched simply because control and domination is tied to masculinity. And the same can be said for sisters who identify themselves as feminine; these women apply a traditional and subservient perspective to the way in which she expects her Aggressive or stud to perform. And as you know, MOST African American lesbian relationships follow a dichotomous structure in which opposites must attract. Therefore, if you see a stud on stud relationship it will be once in a lifetime. On the other hand, we do allow femme on femme relationships to form, but even in the midst of those relationships, they do often revert in some way and fashion to a performance of dichotomous masculine and feminine roles. (Later, we can have an in depth discussion about why we allow femme on femme relationships to healthily flourish.)

So as you see and must understand, the African American lesbian community is not as progressive as we lead ourselves to believe. Our relationships are tainted with ignorance about who we are and WHY we are. Just as the African Diaspora lacks a sense of mutual identity, esteem, and vision, the same can be said for our subcultures and sub-communities; and the African lesbian community is just one of those, yearning for a much needed healing. And until this healing happens, we will continue to allow our relationships to be structured around our genders, instead of love and respect for our sex.

[From TIB]

Domination and Gender Roles in Same-Sex/Same-Gender Relations: 3rd Message

The discussion question/topic I posted in no way describes the relationship my girlfriend and I share. I use the term we because I am in the community. I look at the issues from a subjective and objective frame of reference. I do mention gender but I did not intend for it to be reviewed in isolation from domination. My objective is to discuss the notion of gender roles and domination in same-sex relationships…specifically, lesbian-identified relationships but brothers do join in.
……………………………………………………………………

The three points I stated are generalizations based on personal experiences, conversations and readings. As a matter of fact, there are discussions occurring on YouTube among Black women about the very issue of stud on stud relationships. There are obviously exceptions to the rule, for example your relationship and mine as well. However, generally speaking based on the sistahs I come across this is the case.

I agree with on your point about the history of b/f relationships in the community. Unfortunately, oppressed groups are always required to make some concessions in order to fit within the normalcy of the larger society. As you stated there is definitely a need for a gender continuum. Still, my issue is less about gender dichotomies and more about gender domination.

Nevertheless, within the community there are sanctions on masculine-identified females dating females of their same gender. At least this is the case for the self- proclaimed Black Studs and Aggressives, I meet and greet. I had a conversation about this very topic with a sistah a month ago and her response…”that’s gay as hell, that’s like fuckin wit a dude.” So to address your question on how long it will take to create new identities, I wonder too. Curtis Sittenfeld (1995), in the article Your Life As a Girl, discusses the process of gender socialization and the impact of gender messages on young girls. While a bit dated, she does provide a narrative we can use to explore gender socializations and sanctions.

I think it will take some real analysis for the different segments of the lesbian community to create a continuum. For African women, we need to continue the discourse started by Lorde, Clarke, Smith and others. As a lesbian community, we should take Smith and Clarke’s advice. First, to challenge our own thinking about gender dichotomies and domination; this is what I attempt to do wit the discussion questions. Second, create dialogue. What we are doing on this discussion board. Then, we can proceed to explore and replace our hetero-normal views about control in relationships.

On the other two points about sex and straps, I think it’s a matter of transgender v. transsexual. When a woman is packing everyday prior to transitioning from female to male or has made the transition, are his relationships with women still lesbian-identified?

I also wonder if—in some ways—we authenticate male ownership of masculine gender when we chose to transition. I do not think we give enough credit to socialization and what “damage is caused by a female’s extensive self-scrutiny of her appearance and behavior.” Speaking specifically about gender and not domination, we need to consider whether some transitions from female to male or vice versa are the result of an individual being trained to see a particular sex attached to gender.

Even though, you and I got off this topic and it is all cool. I really want to keep the discussion going about the damage done by hetero-normal values (such as masculine power and control) in lesbian relationships, in particular. As an Afemalist, I am concerned about male or masculine-domination whether it is coming from a hetero dude or a lesbian-identified Aggressive/Butch.

kk

Domination and Gender Roles in Same-Sex/Same-Gender Relations: 2nd Message

I am what could be described as "androgynous" or "tweener" - not femme and not butch/boi/stud. My own gender identity label is another story for another day, however for the sake of this comment I wanted to align myself as accurately as possible. That said, my partner is a boi who is preparing to transition from female to male. (I use male pronouns when talking about my partner).

The three examples of gender roles you listed above are not present in our relationship, nor are they roles that, in my experience, believe to be true.

1.) studs cannot date studs, aggressives or andros Certainly, throughout the history of lesbian relationships there has been a certain normalcy about butch/femme (b/f) relationships...however I think the reason b/f relationships came about in the first place was simply for safety reasons and societal expectations. Back in the day, there was no other choice but to be in a hetero relationship. So, lesbians tried to fit that mold as much as possible...by one half of the couple wearing men's clothes and presenting very masculine traits and the other part of the couple presenting as a female. Therefore at quick glance they may actually look like a straight couple. Through the years this way of presenting was not as necessary, as lesbian couples became more mainstream. Now I think it's a bit ridiculous for us still to only have the options of "butch" or "femme", or even variations on those terms ... I wonder how long it will take for the lesbian community to create entirely new identity labels that abandon the b/f dichotomy?


2.) the masculine-identified females cannot be touched during sex because this means she is not in control or that by not being the dominate one sexually, she will affirm femininity…we must remain in a male role In my experience, not all masculine-identified women have a problem with touch during sex....these women would be considered "stone butch" rather than merely "masculine-identified". For example my partner has no problem with touch during sex, and although he prefers to be a top, it is not unusual for him to be the bottom and/or be the one in handcuffs ;)

3.) masculine-identified sistah got to wear a strap all day, everyday. It is not longer an adult toy to be used in the bedroom for pleasure. It is now a part of her anatomy. Well, if this masculine-identified sistah is transitioning from female to male and generally dresses in drag every day I would say yes, that's expected. But for any masculine-identified woman to be expected to be packing every day? I guess with this role (as with the others) it really depends on the person, and if they feel more comfortable packing.

I certainly don't want to over-step my bounds or anything like that....but I'm curious to know if these roles have been forced upon your relationship by your girlfriend, or did you create them together, or are they roles that you have imposed upon yourself?

[From Meg]